FALLON: The MTA will hold hearings next month to discuss ending the use of subway tokens in New York. Apparently the only joy MTA workers get is watching people incorrectly swipe a Metrocard, and then slamming their groins into the turnstyle.

FEY: Guy Ritchie said in an interview this week that he and wife, Madonna, have not watched television in three years to avoid seeing any unpleasant news stories about themselves. They have also stopped going to Walgreens to avoid seeing Swept Away in the video bin, between the chocolate Easter bunnies and the itch cream. [Adlibbing] I tripped on it a little bit, but it's just a mean joke about Madonna...they wont see it, they don't watch TV!

FALLON: A study reveals that dogs catching a Frisbee uses the same instinctive arithmetic as outfielders when they catch a fly ball.
FEY: Bitch, I told you Air Bud 2 was real!
FALLON: Woman, it's a movie!

FEY: This week, actor Tom Cruise was awarded $10 million in his lawsuit against a gay porn star who claimed that they had a sexual encounter. The gay porn star could not be reached for comment because his mouth was very busy trying to earn $10 million.

FALLON: Because they are sluggish and no longer amuse the public, a number of middle-aged chimpanzees in a German zoo are being sent to early retirement. Zoo officials said they knew the chimps were slowing down when they started throwing their poop underhand.

FALLON: Castaways Travel is offering a vacation package that includes a clothes-free flight from Miami to Cancun. Good God, that's a huge setup..
FEY: A naked airline? Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
FALLON: That's right Tina. It's time for a Weekend Update Joke-Off. Okay, there's an airline where all the passengers are naked. Ready? Go! Warm nuts? Yes, how did you know?
FEY: Careful, your bags may have shifted during the flight!
FALLON: Ladies and gentlemen, if you look to your right, you'll see some grand canyons!
FEY: Uh, for the last time ma'am, vibrators are not an approved electronic device!
FALLON: This is the only plane that has 14 cockpits!
FEY: We're about to land, please put your genitals in the upright and locked position!
FALLON: That's it, Tina Fey wins!