FALLON: Sean "P. Diddy" Combs announced Tuesday that he will compete in the New York marathon in hopes of raising one million dollars for educational charities.  Combs is not expected to make good time in the race, because it's very hard to run fast with Ashton Kutcher up his ass the whole time.

FEY: As of yesterday, the Bush administration said they still hadn't found the source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative.  So, just to recap, here are the things President Bush can't find: The White House leak, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq,  Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, a link between Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden, the guy who sent the anthrax through the mail, and his own butt with two hands and a flashlight.  

FALLON: Madonna has agreed to star as a kinky, leather-clad dominatrix in Britney Spears' new music video.  It should be really hot.  For anyone who finds sad desperation hot.

FEY: According to a new study, women in satisfying marriages are less likely to develop cardiovascular diseases than unmarried women.  So don't worry lonely women, you'll be dead soon.

FEY: In a recent interview, Colin Farrell admitted that he used to smoke "280 fags every week."  Just to clarify this statement, in some parts of Europe, the word "fag" is a slang term for a gay dude.