FEY: The Weakest Link is filming a Newsmaker's edition with Darva Conger, Kato Kaelin, Tonya Harding, Jennifer Flowers, Leif Garret, Puck & Todd Bridges. Hmm, who's one Corey Feldman short of a total suckfest? The contestants will all be playing for the same charity...themselves.

FEY: In women's health news, the FDA announced that it has approved NuvaRing, a new highly effective birth control device for women. NuvaRing is 2 inches long and releases a continuous low dose of estrogen... just like Michael Jackson's penis.

FEY: A source says that Jennifer Lopez purchased a $120,000 gold Cadillac to match her sunglasses. And reportedly spent $15,000 on her wedding-day hairdo. Experts say JLo's spending shows she is well on her way to a hilarious Behind The Music.

FALLON: Over the past few weeks, Hollywood has done what it can do to cater to a more sensitive national audience. Many sitcoms edited out individual jokes it thought would be offensive, while Inside Schwartz boldly did away with humor altogether.

FALLON: Last week in Colorado, a man drank over half a bottle of fruit juice before finding what appeared to be a severed human penis in it.
FEY: Jimmy, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
FALLON: Yes, I am, Tina. It's time for "Weekend Update Joke-Off". Alright, ready? A man found a severed human penis in a bottle of fruit juice. And.. go!
FEY: Uh.. Hmm.. tastes like freshly-squeezed!
FALLON: Fruit juice? More like fruit cocktail!
FEY: That was a penis? I thought it was a crazy straw!
FALLON: And you thought Tropicana Grove Stand was pulpy!
FEY: Wait'll you hear what he found in his bag of nuts! 
FALLON: What brand was it? Man-sucket Nectars?
FEY: Uh.. man, that guy really got the shaft!
FALLON:Very nice. Tina Fey! Tina Fey wins, ladies and gentlemen!