FEY: Last night, in St. Louis, President Bush and Senator Kerry squared off in the second of three Presidential Debates.  This time, the candidates took questions directly from the audience and then said whatever the hell they were gonna say anyway.

POEHLER: Britney Spears is recording a rap song about the recent controversies in her life.  "I can't wait to hear that!," said no one.

FEY: Howard Stern announced Wednesday that when his contract is up in 15 months that he will join Sirius satellite radio in a deal reportedly worth a hundred million dollars.  Now the question is: Will Americans pay $13 a month to hear a bunch of guys throw bologna at a stripper's ass?  What's that?  Yes, they will.

FEY: A man who had a heart attack while he was alone in his house was saved when his dog brought him the phone so he could call for help.  However, it should be noted that for every one of these heartwarming stories there's a million others where the dog just sits there like a moron and watches you die.

POEHLER: On Thursday, more than 7,000 sites took place across the country in National Depression Screening Day, which screens the public for depression related illnesses.  A spokesman for the group said, "I don't know...uh.. turnout was okay, I mean I guess... just wasn't as great as I thought...but, you know... it was a stupid idea anyway...so... I guess I'm just gonna go back to bed...."

FEY: The newest trend among students at Brigham Young University are T-shirts that read, "I Can't.  I'm Mormon."   Which have been countered with T-shirts reading, "You Will.  I'm Kobe."