FEY: A new unauthorized biography of Madonna details her affairs with Sean Penn, Warren Beatty, Dennis Rodman, Jellybean Benitez, Carlos Leon, Andy Bird, Jim Albright, Russell Long, Ingrid Casares, JFK Jr., and Sandra Bernhard...and that's just in the forward.  The book is expected to be a best-seller since it can also be used as a Manhattan phonebook.

FEY: This week, the FAA shut down a terminal at Kennedy airport because security workers were not using the metal detectors properly.  And, at O'Hare, a man with seven knives, a stun gun, and a can of mace passed a security checkpoint.  I just wanna take a minute to address the airport security personnel directly, if I might.
I know you guys only make like $7 an hour and your worried about being replaced by federal employees, but - seriously, you have got to get it together!  You have got to focus up!  Okay?  So here's what I propose: the first airport employee who successfully catches a terrorist, Jimmy and I will personally throw a pizza party for you, and up to 20 of your friends.  Isn't that right, Jimmy? 
FALLON: Absolutely.
FEY: Think about this: It's all the pizzas you can eat - up to 20 of your friends.  There's no limit on the kind of toppings you can have..Jimmy is there a limit on toppings?
FALLON: No.
FEY: If you wanna get all plain pizzas..great.  
FALLON: Get half plan, half pepperoni, that's cool with us.
FEY: If you want like, ham and pineapple - I think that's weird, but, whatever.
FALLON: You eat it.
FEY: That's the kind of freedom that makes our country great.  Will I pay for cheesy bread...?
FALLON & FEY: No!
FEY: That's not the deal!
FALLON: Don't be greedy.
FEY: It's a pizza party, okay?  Don't try to take advantage of us.  Also, don't be a jerk - if you only have like 15 good friends that like pizza, don't scape up 5 other people just to make it more expensive for us.
FALLON: I wanna have a good time too, don't bring a bunch of creeps.

FEY: It's called: Weekend Update Strikes Back:
FALLON: Pizza Party Against Terrorism.
FEY: So if you love pizza, and you hate terrorism...get your head out of your ass, and get all up in Momar's carry-on.