FEY: Earlier tonight, Michael Douglas married Catherine Zeta-Jones at the Plaza Hotel here in New York. The entertainment at the reception was singer Tom Jones. The couple felt he was the perfect choice because like the bride, he is Welsh and like the groom, he is old and creepy.

FALLON: China's state media reported this week that a thirty-seven year-old Chinese man had his damaged esophagus replaced with part of his own colon. Earlier today the man was quoted as saying, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

FEY: Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris has been all over the news this week. First she set a deadline for the recount, then she was overruled, now she's been stripped of her ability to certify the Florida votes. Katherine Harris hasn't gotten this much attention since spring break '77. Look at her, she looks divorced. She looks like the woman being cheated on in a Mexican soap opera. Katherine, honey, there's another setting on your make-up mirror. It's called 'daytime.' Check it out.

FEY: Al Gore's offer Wednesday to resolve the Florida election with a statewide hand recount was rejected by George W. Bush, who said that such a count would be, quote, 'arbitrary and chaotic.' Bush then looked down and crossed two words off his vocabulary worksheet.

FEY: During an interview this week, Macaulay Culkin said that he is still good friends with Michael Jackson, stating, 'I think we understand each other in a way that most people can't understand either of us.' He then added, 'Basically, we both still wish I was nine.'

FEY: ...That was really gross {Jimmy & Gwyneth kissing}

JEANNIE DARCY: Ladies, can we talk about thongs? Who designed these things, cause it wasn't a woman. Tina Fey, you're a woman, you know what I'm talking about.. 
FEY: Leave me out of this, please. 
JEANNIE DARCY: Um, I know what you're talking about sister friend.