FEY: CBS cancelled its mini-series on the life of Ronald Reagan after the Republican National Committee protested what it called "historical inaccuracies."  The RNC also objected to the network's unflattering portrayal of George W. Bush until they realized it was just a live press conference.

TIM CALHOUN: Here's where I stand on the issues.  I'm glad that drunk driving is illegal.  When I'm drunk I drive like crap.  I propose that for scientific testing purposes we breed a type of midget even smaller than the normal midget.  We can call them Shetland midgets.  

FEY: According to a new study, 73% of women say they're ashamed of their own vaginas, and from what I've seen, they should be.  They study also showed that 24% of women have not even looked at their vaginas in a year or more.  Although that's only because Colin Farrell's head is always in the way.

FEY: Researchers have reported that cats and ferrets can carry the SARS virus.  As a result, tonight's orgy at Richard Gere's house has been cancelled.

FALLON: Congratulations to David Letterman who became a father Monday when his girlfriend gave birth to their son Harry Joseph Letterman.  And yes, it floats.

FALLON: Rosie O'Donnell testified this week in her legal battle against the publishers of Rosie Magazine.  Witnesses so far have portrayed Rosie as difficult and controlling, which raises the question, who is the real Rosie O'Donnell?  The Queen of Nice, talk show host, or the abusive tyrant.  Here to make her case on national television is Rosie O'Donnell.  
ROSIE: Thank you Jimmy.  You're a cutie patootie.  
FALLON: Yea, I guess so.  Hey, Rosie we keep hearing these terrible things about you.  That you're always screaming and yelling and that you curse at your employees.  That's not true, right?
ROSIE: Jimmy, you know me.  I'm loud, I talk loud, I sing loud.  Hey, you wanna sing one of my songs together?
FALLON: Sure!
FEY: Wait, before you sing something what about the accusation Rosie that you told a woman with Cancer that that's what happens to people who lie, they get Cancer.   
ROSIE: Do not interrupt me Tina Fey!  You know what happens to people who interrupt, Tina.  People who interrupt get the Ebola virus.  And people who talk smart get shin splints.  Now quit slutting it up around here and get me a box of ring-dings, four eyes!
FALLON: Hey Rosie, how's your new musical going?
ROSIE: It's fantastic, Jimmy-Jimmy gumdrops!  I'm producing the new Broadway musical called Taboo, and if you look under your chair, you'll find the original cast album cd.
FALLON: Yea, thanks Rosie, you're the best!
FEY: ..but there's nothing under my chair Rosie...
[smacks Tina across the face]
ROSIE: Shut your f'in mouth Tina Fey!  What, you think I'm gonna be nice to you just because we're both lesbians?
FEY: I'm just saying...I thought-
ROSIE: Shut up!  Where's my cheesy bread?
FEY: I didn't know you wanted cheesy bread.
ROSIE: I always want cheesy bread.
FALLON: Here Rosie, have some of my cheesy bread.
ROSIE: Thank you Jimmy.  You're a sweetie-pattootie.  I'm gonna buy you a PT Cruiser.  
FALLON: Awesome, awesome!  You're my favorite!
ROSIE: Don't go breakin' my heart...
FALLON: ..I couldn't if I tried..
FEY: Forget this!  Rosie O'Donnell everybody.