FEY: Earlier this week, the L.A. Police Department searched the home of Paul Reubens, better known as Pee Wee Herman, and confiscated his collection of vintage erotica, which included paintings and photographs. So let me understand this- now Pee Wee Herman can't even masturbate in his own house? Where would America be comfortable with Pee Wee masturbating? Do you want him to go to a sterile room in a hospital, or like the Space Shuttle? Should he buy a mobile home and bury it under the ground? Just tell us, and we'll pass the information onto him, because, if there's one thing I've learned from working with all of these guys: he's not gonna stop doing it!  They do it, alright. It's true. Men masturbate all the time! Right, Jimmy? Back to you. 
FALLON: Rarely, if ever.

FEY: Two days before Britney Spears' HBO concert from Las Vegas, someone broke into her dressing room and stole the white, Elvis inspired jumpsuit that she wore to promote the event. And you know what, I'm not giving it back! (adlibs: I'm keepin' that! It's mine!)

FEY: In a recent interview, 15 year old British opera star, Charlotte Church, said that New Yorkers are being overdramatic about the attacks of 9/11, and that firefighters are being treated like stars, which she "just doesn't agree with." But don't be too hard on Charlotte, because she's only 15, and when she grows up, she's gonna be fat!

FALLON: The Brazilian city of Esperantina has announced that Orgasm Day will be celebrated on May 9. They hope you come.

FEY: China announced this week that it hopes to land a man on the moon by 2005, after this year's successful launch of the Shenzou rocket which contains a monkey, a dog, a rabbit and snails. Or, as the Chinese call it, #36 with rice.

FEY: Tonight's topic on Point/Counterpoint:
Derek Jeter Sucks <----> No I Don't

SETH MEYERS: Jeter, you suck in three very specific ways. So Hard, So Bad, and Wicked Bad.

FEY: The 7-11 chain is considering opening a store in New York's Times Square, which completely changes the meaning of going to Times Square to get a Slurpee.