POEHLER: Do you think the NHL will be able to regain popularity after a year off?
BRETT HULL: I think so. I mean, with the basketball riots, the steroids in baseball, I think hockey is looking classier all the time.
POEHLER: Brett, you're Canadian.  What do you think of this new gay marriage law passing in Canada?
BRETT HULL: Well, that's what happens in Canada when there's no hockey.  Guys have more time to hang out, talk about their feelings, next thing you know they're in love with each other.  I've got nothing against it, but I'd rather be playing hockey.
POEHLER: You heard it hear first folks: Brett Hull would rather play hockey than marry a dude.

FEY: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have pledged to help stop abuses and oversee sweatshops producing their clothing line.  Although the twins say they know from personal experience that 3-year-olds have more than enough energy to work an 18 hour day.

POEHLER: This week, Jay Z was named President of the Def Jam recording label.  Sorry, John Kerry.

FEY: "It was reported that Mel Gibson is buying a private, 5,000 acre island in Fiji for 15 million dollars. Not having any Jews around...priceless."

FEY: The Christmas season is a time for giving and giving back to your community, and that's why Amy and I have joined the Teen Mentoring Program of America.  Please welcome the young girl we have been assigned to mentor, Lindsay Lohan.
LINDSAY LOHAN: Hi Tina, hi Amy.
POEHLER: So Lindsay, we are very worried about you, ok?  What's going on?
LOHAN: Nothing.  Everything's great.
FEY: Are you eating?
LOHAN: Yea, I'm eating.
FEY: Okay, cause you know what, these are Mischa Barton arms, and I don't like that.  I think Lindsay Lohan should have Lindsay Lohan arms.
LOHAN: I've just been really busy working on my movie, Herbie, and my album, Speak.
POEHLER: Let's talk about this album.
FEY: You are a very good singer.  
POEHLER: That is true, you have a lovely voice, but you are such a good actress.  I don't want to hear that you're neglecting your acting.
LOHAN: Amy, I'm not neglecting my acting.  A lot of actors my age have albums, everyone's doing it.
POEHLER: If Hilary Duff jumped off a bridge would you wanna do that too?
LOHAN: No..duh.
POEHLER: Duh?  Is 'duh' a word?
LOHAN: I didn't mean duh.  I just mean everything is fine.
FEY: Now, you've been wearing a lot of low-cut blouses...
LOHAN: Tina, nobody says 'blouses.'  
FEY: Fine.  Low-cut tops.  Whatever the kids say.  So now I'm gonna ask you one more time.  Are those things real?  
LOHAN: Oh my god, yes!
FEY: Because when people ask me if they're real, I always tell them yes, and I would hate for you to be making a liar out of me, Lindsay.
POEHLER: Cause people ask us - a lot.
LOHAN: Alright, stop it.  You guys are embarrassing me.  I'm not even sure you two are the best mentors for me anyway. 
POEHLER & FEY: Wha!!??
LOHAN: Because, Tina, you admitted to me that you used to have sex with a guy cause you thought he could help you get into movies.
FEY: Yes, but that was before Fandango made everything so easy.
LOHAN: Ok.  And Amy.. you're drunk right now.
POEHLER: How dare you!  I am!