FALLON: Actress Gwyneth Paltrow announced Wednesday that she and her boyfriend, Chris Martin from Coldplay, are expecting a baby.  Also, Jessica Simpson announced that she and her husband, Nick Lachey, have been putting it in the wrong place all the time.

FEY: Shaun Shaun, a female giant panda was flown to Japan this week in hopes that she will mate with Ling Ling, the male panda at the Tokyo zoo.  Biologists are optimistic because it's well known that Shuan Shuan is a slut.  The mating of Ling Ling and Shuan Shuan was brokered by their friend Pimp Pimp.

FEY: While appearing on Larry King Live Monday, Linda Tripp revealed that she is marrying her childhood sweetheart who gave her her first kiss at age 14.  Luckily for Tripp in all their years apart, there was never a cure for blindness.

FEY: Paris Hilton's name has been on everyone's lips these past few weeks.   Here now in an exclusive interview with Jimmy Fallon is Paris Hilton.
FALLON: Thanks for coming on.  As we agreed, we won't be discussing the scandal that's been in the papers these past couple weeks.  We just want to find out about you, Paris Hilton.  So, you're family, the Hiltons, own hotels all over the world, right?
PARIS HILTON: Yes, they're in New York, London, Paris.
FALLON: Oh wait, so there actually is a Paris Hilton?
PARIS: Yes, there is.
FALLON: Is it hard to get into the Paris Hilton?
PARIS: Actually, it's a very exclusive hotel, no matter what you've heard.
FALLON: I hear the Paris Hilton is very beautiful.
PARIS: I'm glad you've heard that.
FALLON: Do they allow double occupancy at the Paris Hilton?
PARIS: No.
FALLON: Is the Paris Hilton roomy?
PARIS: It might be for you, but most people find it very comfortable.
FALLON: I'm a VIP.  I may need to go in the back entrance.
PARIS: It doesn't matter who you are.  It's not gonna happen.
FALLON: Fair enough.  Now, I throw a lot of events.  Do they have a ballroom there?
PARIS: We do.
FALLON: Great.  I'd love to have my balls held by the Paris Hilton.  Sounds awesome.  I'd like to check into the Paris Hilton.
PARIS: I don't think you can.  
FALLON: Really?  Cause I'll only be able to stay there like a minute and a half, two minutes tops.  
PARIS: Good luck.
FALLON: Paris Hilton, everybody.