Val Kilmer  12-9-00

FEY: Let's begin with a recap of election news from the last 24 hours. Yesterday afternoon in a surprising decision, the Florida Supreme Court ruled in favor of Al Gore, calling for an immediate hand recount. This victory for Gore is regarded as the most shocking and ludicrous comeback since Bobby Ewing walked out of the shower on Dallas.
FALLON: It's like a WWF Smackdown plot. You know the guy's all beat up,  he's down for the count, George Bush is talking about his transition team, and then all of a sudden you see Al Gore's eyebrow go up.. "Can you smell what The Gore is cookin'?" Gore grabs a folding chair, whole new ball game.
FEY: Then, around 4:30 p.m., Judge N. Sanders Sauls recuses himself of any further proceedings and George W. Bush recuses himself in his pants.
FALLON: Then around 5:30, Republican Senator Orrin Hatch burst into flames.
FEY: So now we're up to today. At 8:00 this morning, the hand recounts start up again, then the Circuit Court rejects Bush's appeal, the Prime Minister of Israel resigns... no one notices.. then this afternoon the U.S. Supreme Court got all up in it and stopped the recount. In light of these events, America is cancelled. Citizens are asked to choose between Canada and Mexico by 4 p.m. tomorrow.

FEY: On Meet the Press last Sunday, Dick Cheney warned that 'we may be on the edge of a recession.' Governor Bush has since asked his running mate, 'If it's warm enough, can we have recession outside?'

FALLON: During a traffic dispute this week, a Florida motorist is alleging that O.J. Simpson reached inside his car and ripped off his glasses. Simpson is not only denying the allegation, he's vowing to spend the rest of his life looking for the real 'glasses-ripper-offer.'

FALLON: I Have An Opinion! I keep hearing people say, "Aren't you sick of the whole election thing? Don't you want it to end?" No!, I don't want it to end! This is the coolest thing ever! With the court cases, the protest, all the twists and turns, "Stop the count!" "We already stopped the count." "Yeah? Well, stop it again!" The tension, the excitement, the emotions, people, it kicks ass! Disenfrancised voters. Oh, yeah, I said it. And I know what it means, too. Yeah, I'm watching CNN now, because I want to! Because I have opinions! Decision 2000, that's what they call it...not "The Presidential Election". You know why? Because it's a TV show. It's "Survivor". It's "Millionaire". It's "The Real World" - the Boston one. You hear that, America? For the first time ever, politics are exciting! And I want more! I am not an animal.. I'm a human being. And I have an opinion! I also think Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon is a really cool movie. I Have An Opinion!

FEY: President Clinton Thursday granted a reprieve to federal inmate Juan Raul Garza, thereby postponing Garza's execution until next year, when it will be given to George W. Bush as a housewarming gift.

FALLON: New Scientist magazine reported on Wednesday that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That's encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I've got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs.
FEY [adlibbing]: ...my favorite joke of all time.