FEY: Citing the high cost of the series and its low ratings, syndicator Pearson Television has canceled the long-running series Baywatch. That leaves men who like big, fake boobs to watch VIP, Jerry Springer, Jenny Jones, Search Party, Extra, MTV Spring Break, MTV's Making The Video, Wild On E!, Howard Stern, Silk Stockings, G-String Divas, The Man Show, Unhappily Ever After, Blind Date, Bowflex Infomercials, Cleopatra 2525, the XFL, the NFL, Sabado Gigante, Temptation Island, Charmed, wrestling, Cinemax, Showtime, or commercials.

FEY: It was announced this week that Elton John and Eminem will perform a duet at this month's Grammy Awards. When asked if he felt conflicted about working with the obviously gay performer, Elton John said, "I don't have a problem with it."

FEY: It was announced Monday that Kelly Ripa will be Kathy Lee Gifford's permanent replacement on Regis Philbin's morning talk show. Producers say the two women are very different; Kelly Ripa is a long-time soap opera actress and Kathie Lee is a hateful bitch.

FEY: Hundreds of people are vying to get one of only eight spectator seats at Timothy McVeigh's upcoming execution. Said one ticket hopeful, 'It's so lame, cause you know the whole front row is gonna be industry.'  

WILSON, THE VOLLEYBALL: You know, you're pretty sassy, Ms. Tina Fey...I'll give you ten grand for a pair of your panties..

FALLON: For Weekend Update, I'm Jim Fallon. 
FEY: And I'm Tin Fey.