FEY: Cartoon character Cathy finally got engaged to her boyfriend in today’s Valentine edition of her strip. Meanwhile, Marcie and Peppermint Patty are moving to Massachusetts.

FALLON: An internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said "‘Close, but no cigar."

FEY: A U.S. born panda named Hua Mei will soon be returned to her ancestral homeland of China, where she is expected to be delicious.

FEY:  Because of friction between the U.S. and Brazil, it was announced that a float at this year’s Carnivale will be a 12-foot sculpture of Uncle Sam with his pants down and his genitals in plain sight -- or as Bill Clinton calls it.. business casual.

FALLON: Michael McGuire, a prisoner in Nebraska, escaped from a hospital by using a fake gun he had made out of toilet paper. The plan turned tragic, however, when he used a real gun to wipe himself.