FEY: President Bush delivered his State of the Union address Monday, and he maintained
an all-time high 84% approval rating. Bush is thrilled because it's the first solid
B he's ever gotten. The State of the Union earned huge tv ratings with 53 million viewers
watching, which is why ABC now wants to put it on 5 nights a week.
FALLON: (Five For Fighting-Superman) I can go downhill, on the icy snow, dressed up in my
unitard, where
else can I go. I'm only a man, on two skinny red skis, instead of
cologne I'm wearing antifreeze. Can't even tell, if I'm winning the race,
because snot is frozen on my face. It's not easy, to downhill ski...
(Nickelback-How You Remind Me) Never made it as a luge man, couldn't hack it on the bobsled, now you
don't have to remind me of how I will get hurt. You don't have to remind
me, haven't done it since the fourties, go down a mountain like 50 stories, all
the drugs that I'll be takin', for all the bones that I'll be breakin'.
I will cry, I could die, you'll have to find my body at the bottom, these few words in my head,
saying, 'Don't die don't die Don't
die on this sleeeeddd...' Yeah, yeah, please don't die on this little
sled!
FEY: A female version of viagra is expected to be released next year with the promise
of giving women faster arousal and better orgasms. The pill is so strong, doctor's warn
the increased speed of arousal might cause Christina Aguilera's vagina to time travel.
FALLON: According to the NY Post, Will Smith is looking for an apartment to sublet in New York City,
and is willing to pay $80,000 a month for it. In a related story, DJ Jazzy Jeff wants to know
if you're 'going to eat the rest of that?'
(Ludacris-Roll Out)
What in the world was on your mind? What you got on your mind? A couple
of dudes with nosebleeds and its hard to breathe at that height with that
hype people it's just white people, cuz ain't no homies play hockey. If it's below 30
you can bite me. Turn off my Sony til you stop that. I'm gonna see a movie
with a hot pack- thaw out!
NEIL DIAMOND: What's wrong with my song?
FALLON & FEY: Neil Diamond?!
DIAMOND: You bet your balls it's Neil Diamond!
DIAMOND: I'd like to introduce my friend, Gay Speed-Skating Hitler.