FEY: Reuters reported this week that a jilted woman pestered her former lover with more than 1,000 phone calls a day for three years. In a related story--I won't be ignored.

FEY: Daimler-Chrysler announced this week that they will market a giant S.U.V. called Unimog in the United States. The Unimog is over 9 feet high and 20 feet long. The $84,000 truck will most likely be bought by fire departments, constructions companies and men with very tiny penises.

FALLON: Jennifer Lopez is now accepting booking for personal appearances at a cost of $750,000 dollars per hour. Or for $375,000, Jennifer will make a half-assed appearance.

FEY: Recent studies show that, increasingly, women prefer female gynecologists. As a licensed midwife, which I am not, this issue is very important to me. I, myself, am thinking about switching to a female gynecologist because I think my male gynecologist might be lying to me about being a doctor. Cause last week, I found out that he also works at Foot Locker, which.. if he was a real doctor, I don't think he would have to do that. But, I don't know-  his bedside manner is really soothing, he gives me wine.. and he keeps his van really clean. I don't know, I want to ask to see his license, but I don't want to seem racist. Anyway, I'm not gonna fire him yet. I wanna see how the pictures come out. Back to you, Jimmy.

FALLON: Before the Grammys this week, Madonna defended controversial rapper Eminem saying that she finds the things President Bush says much more offensive. The President immediately responded, "Yo Bitch, Ima kill you and put you in the trunk of my car."

FALLON: Gay and lesbian groups slammed Elton John's appearance with Eminem at this weeks Grammys. In a statement they said, 'We are shocked that Elton John would agree to perform in that suit! I mean it looks like contact paper from John Water's kitchen! Hell-o?!'