FALLON: Yesterday, Attorney General John Ashcroft and Homeland Defense Secretary Tom Ridge officially upgraded the nation to terror alert orange. Hey, Happy Orange Alert, everybody!
FEY: Wooo! [cue Daft Punk]

FEY: In a documentary that aired on 20/20 this Thursday, Michael Jackson discussed his fondness for kids, saying, "I have slept in a bed with many children"; "I am Peter Pan in my heart." "And Pinocchio in my pants."

JOSEPH JACKSON: Don't you sass me, Jimmy Fallon. I'll put you over my knee and beat you til candy come out.

FALLON: In Kansas this week, over a hundred fish were found dead in the Baker Wetlands and local environmentalists fear that someone may have deliberately killed them. In response, President Bush says that we have no choice but to go to war with Iraq.

FEY: Crunch gym is offering a new training program called 'Meet Your Match,' which combines exercise classes with singles dating activities. And you thought you already worked hard not to fart during yoga.

FALLON: An Australian man won the 26th annual Empire State Building run-up Tuesday, taking just nine and a half minutes to run up 86 floors to the observation deck. Nobody was more surprised than the handyman caught masturbating on the 73rd floor stairwell.