FEY: DirecTV has filed suit against O.J. Simpson in accusing him of pirating its satellite television signal.  In an unrelated story, DirecTV has been stabbed to death. 

FALLON: According to a new report, half of all young Americans will get a sexually transmitted disease by the age of 25.  You're welcome.

FEY: Despite the fact that Martha Stewart has disgraced herself too much to hold an official position at Omnimedia, the company may still use her name and images to sell their products.  You know, sort of like Clinton and the Democrats. 

FALLON: Here's a nice story from Holland.  A Cocker Spaniel hunted down a rabbit, but instead of killing it, the Spaniel has adopted the animal as his friend.  Hey, that's kinda like how we met, Tina.
FEY: Yes, but I still plan to kill you.

BILL CLINTON: Thank you, Tina.  And may I say once again how very lovely you look.  
FEY: Thank you, Mr. President.
CLINTON: No, no, no, I mean it.  I don't usually go for the smart, well-informed, free-thinking types.  I tried it once many years ago, and..good god it didn't work out.  But you've got me re-thinking that position.   And imagining a whole bunch of new ones.  
FEY: Please, just get to your piece.
CLINTON: Thank you for that line.