FEY: In protest to France's opposition to a U.S. war in Iraq, the U.S. Congress' cafeteria has changed French fries and French toast to freedom fries and freedom toast. Afterwards, the congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started Freedom kissing each other. In a related story, in France, American cheese is now referred to as Idiot cheese.
FALLON: Trust me, they're laughing at us, okay? French fries aren't even French, they're Belgian. Some American guy named them wrong to begin with. Also, they're pouring bottles of French wine down the toilet? Stop it! You already paid for the wine, you dopes! Pee in a wine bottle and sell it to some French people -- then you're doing something.
FEY: And don't think that by eating Freedom fries that you're being patriotic and helping the war effort. Use less gasoline, read a newspaper. You know what? How about we cool it with the Freedom fries anyway, you fat asses! We are the fattest country in the world. Have you ever walked around an American mall? It's nothing but Chick-fil-As and Lane Bryant track suits busting at the seams!
FALLON & FEY: Do something!
VOICEOVER: This has been Jimmy and Tina Yelling At America.

LUPE: Hola Jimmy. Hola Tina Fey. So Jimmy, Miss Tina is your comedy sidekick and wife?
FEY: No, no, we're not married. We're just like, partners.
FERICITO: Ay-yi-yi. Jimmy, Tina Fey. You should really think about getting married. It's more professional.

FEY: It's been reported that more and more Americans are using search engines like Google.com to locate and contact their ex-girlfriends and boyfriends. This is no use to me, however, because everyone I've ever dated has ended up dead.

FALLON: Tina, I think someone's at the Update door.
FEY: Oh, whoever might it be? Oh, look Jimmy! It's teen punk pop sensation, Avril Lavigne!
AVRIL LAVIGNE: F you Jimmy! F you Tina!
FEY: Watch your language, Avril.
AVRIL: No! I won't and I don't and I can't and I won't. I'm a punk rocker. I'm wearing a boy's tank top. F it up! Suck it!
FEY: Avril, do you have anything relevant to say?
AVRIL: I'm MAD! I don't give an F! Cause, I'm pissed! And I'm a punk!

FALLON: (Christina Aguilera-Beautiful) St. Patrick's Day, I think it's wonderful. The day is here, for Guinness beer. Guinness beer, you're mysterious. I pour you out, then wait an hour. You are beautiful - I drank a case today, now I weigh 300 pounds, so won't you drink one down, won't you drink one down today.

(Coldplay-Clocks) Bagpipes start to play you can march unless you're gay, singing, many different shade of green, don't mess with an angry queen. Singing, let them march and you will know, gay guys make better floats, singing, cool floats. Cool floats.

(Eminem-Lose Yourself) Look. If you only had one shot after six pints of Amstel three Budweisers and two beers I never heard of, microbrews., plus one Seagrams wine cooler you stole out of a girl's backpack. And then ate everything you saw at the parade, could you digest it? Or lose control of your bodily functions?
Yo, my palms are sweaty. Corn beef, can't stand steady, there's vomit on my sweater already, green confetti.  I'm burping, but on purpose I keep on forgetting to throw up. I don't think my brain will let me hold it down. Now I'm bendin' over now it won't come out. Time's up, over, blaow!  
And back comes the cabbage oh, there goes shamrocks.  Oh Subway sandwich, I hope there's no cameras, I hope my  weak bladder can hold, oh my jeans, it don't matter, I'll clean it next Saturday. 
Puke yourself in the bathroom the morning the warning then I have to let it go.   I only did one shot and now I'm spitting Yaeger, gross, it's St. Paddy's Day, come on raise your glass and toast!