FEY: A federal judge has ruled that gay high school students in Texas can be barred from meeting on campus.  As a result, the gay students will have to meet where they always do: in the Drama Club.

FALLON: An arrest warrant has been issued for Wesley Snipes after allegations surfaced that he fathered a child with a woman in a Chicago crack house four years ago. Advantage: Snipes. Your move, Bobby Brown.

FALLON: Hey Tina, by the way, I have a new nickname.  I want everybody to call me J-Rod.  You know, like A-Rod?
FEY: What, no.  That's stupid.
FALLON: It's not stupid, it's awesome.
FEY: Jimmy, you can't just create your own nickname.  Someone has to give the nickname to you.
FALLON: I gave myself tons of nicknames.  I gave myself J-Rod, Jimmy Jack, Fallonious, Big Ballin' Fallon, Captain Bad Ass, Barren von Awesome.
FEY: You didn't take any of the nicknames we gave you.  
FALLON: I didn't like them.
FEY: Why?  What's wrong with Babs?  Or Queer Boner?  We tried to call you Flounder Tits, what's wrong with that?  That's a great nickname for you.
FALLON: Just call me J-Rod, alright?  It'd mean a lot to me.
FEY: Alright, whatever you say, J-Hole.

BILL CLINTON: ...and finally, me.  Comeon, you know you want it.  Comeon, I was so much fun as President.  Just imagine what I could do if I had less responsibility and more free time.  You.Ain't.Seen.Nothin'.Yet.America.Support.A.Kerry-Clinton.Ticket.  I'll put the 'vice' back in Vice President.