FEY: Boston's Arch Deices announced they will sell church properties to raise money for the settlement of sex abuse cases. They'll start by selling alter boy robes, which are currently half off.

FALLON: According to a University of Michigan study, the March 2000 Today Show broadcast of Katie Couric's colonoscopy prompted many Americans to get the test themselves. However, morning TV viewers were actually much more curious see what's up Bryant Gumbel's ass.

FEY: NBC announced this week that they will be producing a three hour TV movie based on the life of Rudolph Giuliani. To keep the movie true to life, the Giuliani character is really unlikable until the last fifteen minutes, when everyone loves him.

FALLON: Tina, I think someone's at the Update door.
FEY: Let's see who it is. Oh, it's New York socialites and Maxim cover girls, Nicky and Paris Hilton!

[after the Hilton sisters leave]
FEY: Lovely young women, really lovely.

FALLON: Last week, Robert Blake asked a judge for more time with his lawyers, claiming he almost can't read because of severe dyslexia. That explains why he shot his wife and then went to get a gun in the restaurant.

CHRIS PARNELL: Yo Yo Yo Listen up! This is a true love song! Uh huh Uh huh Ever since the day I was born
I've been looking for a ho that I could call my own.
A beautiful dream I's just waiting to be shown.
And then God-o-mighty throws me a mother f ' in bone.
One day she knocked on my door
and like a suicidal virgin laid down on the floor.
She said "Sweet C.P. please take me, I'm yours!"
But then the bitch passed out and she started to snore.
Turns out she got some bad "E"
but then I woke her up and showed her true ecstasy.
And before she went blind I said "girl get off of me!"
But she said "I'm enjoying my ride, cant you see?"

I got my Kirsten D a million G's
Fly 23's, Mercedes E's
Penthouse parties, Prada Tee's
and a chris-craft 43 to sail the seven seas

Just livin it up on the West side
Everybody's just chillin pool side
While my rhymes are going world wide,
K.D and me are gonna do some slip 'n slide.

In the morning, I went for a run
and when i got got home she was lying in the sun.
Naked like a statue, the goddess of fun.
And she removed my shorts, my shoes, and my gun.
Then suddenly, from out of the blue,
the shots ran out from behind the bamboo.
So I went crazy like Shaka ZuLu
I grabbed my gat and put the mother f ' ing heat on those fools.

What is this crap? Have I been capped?
Could this be true..my life is through?
Its just a nick, I must be quick, Kirsten get into the pool.

Ten mintues later the clowns were all dead
So I buried them all in the big flower bed
I apologized to Kirsten for all the blood shed.
She just smiled and took me back to bed.

I got my Kirsten D a million G's
Fly 23's, Mercedes E's,
Penthouse parties, Prada Tees,
and a Chriscraft 43 to sail the seven seas

Just livin it up on the west side Everybody's just chillin pool side
While my rhymes are going world wide
K.D and me are gonna do some slip and slide.

KIRSTEN DUNST: Everybody, for the record- I met Chris Parnell 6 days ago..we have never dated.. and we certainly have not been having sex in his pool or fighting gun battles.