FEY: New York's Cardinal Egan plans to tap wealthy Catholic donors for a fund that would help falsely
accused priests pay their legal bills. All he needs now is one falsely accused priest.
FEY: Oprah Winfrey has named her new $51 million estate 'Tara 2,' after
Scarlett O'Hara's plantation
in Gone With The Wind. Meanwhile, Sally Jessy Raphael has named her new estate Apartment 4B.
FEY: The cover story of New York Magazine this week is Baby
Panic. This goes perfectly with the other magazines on my coffee table-
Where Are The Babies? (US) Why Haven't You Had A Baby? (People) And, For God's
Sake Have A Baby (Time). Thanks Time Magazine, this is just what I need-
another article so depressing that I can actually hear my ovaries curling
up. According to author Sylvia Hewlett, career women shouldn't wait to
have babies because our fertility takes a steep drop-off after age 27. And
Sylvia's right- I definitely should've had a baby when I was 27, living
in Chicago, over a biker bar, pulling down a cool 12 grand a year. That
woulda worked out great. But Sylvia's message is feminism can't change
nature, which is true. If feminism could change nature, Ruth Bader
Ginsburg would be all oiled up on the cover of Maxim. Ladies, there's no
reason to panic though- it's out of your control anyway. Either your
cooter works, or it doesn't. My mom had me when she was 40- and this was
back in the 70s when the only "fertility aid" was Harvey's Bristle
Cream. So, waiting is just a risk that I'm going to have to take.
And, I don't think I could do fertility drugs, because, to me, 6 half pound
translucent babies is not a miracle! I'd rather adopt a baby- I don't need
a kid that looks like me. I was not a cute kid- I looked like a cross
between that chick from the Indigo Girls... and the other chick from the Indigo
Girls! Not a cute kid. Dratch, Poehler, Maya..how do you feel about
author Sylvia Hewlett?
ALL: We hate Sylvia Hewlett.
DRATCH: Yea, Sylvia, um.. thanks for reminding me that I have to hurry up
and have a baby... me and my 4 cats will get right on this.
POEHLER: My neighbor has this cute little adorable Chinese baby that
speaks Italian..so, I'll just buy one of those..
MAYA: Yeah, Sylvia, maybe your next book should tell men our age to stop
playing Grand Theft Auto 3 and holding out for the chick from Alias.
POEHLER: You guys wanna go stare at Ana some more?
ALL: Yeah, okay.
FEY: Back to you Jimmy.