FALLON: Director Todd Solondz is complaining that the producers of his new movie made him edit out a scene in which James Van Der Beek is on the receiving end of anal sex. When asked for a comment, Van Der Beek said, 'They were filming that!?'

FEY: Massachusetts governor Jane Swift gave birth Tuesday night to twin girls, making her the first governor to have twin girls since Bill Clinton was running Arkansas.

FEY: The editor of Out Magazine this week revealed that his boyfriend is a major league baseball player, but will not reveal the player's identity. Baseball insiders, however, point to the gayest guy in the league, John Rocker of the Atlanta Braves. 

FALLON: Here now with a friendly reminder on Weekend Update, is alumni anchor, Kevin Nealon, ladies and gentlemen.
KEVIN NEALON:  I just want to take a moment here to clear up some confusion. For a number of years I was a cast member here at Saturday Night Live, but I haven't been since 1995, some 6 years ago. And yet, some people still come up to me and say, "Mr. Nealon, it's Saturday. Shouldn't you be getting out to New York for the show?" Or, "Hey, Mr. Nealon, you were funny on the show last night, love that Mr. Subliminal!" And then I have to explain that I'm not on the show anymore, what you're watching are reruns on Comedy Central.
You see, I'm not a part of this cast - overrated. I don't even know these people. And, to be honest with you, I have no connection whatsoever with this show anymore - lawsuits. In fact, I have not seen Lorne Michaels in, like, four years - restraining order. And quite frankly, it takes everything I have to stay up this late right now - coked up. So, once again, I am no longer on this show. I'm off doing bigger and better things now - Hollywood Squares. I guess you could say that I moved on - trailer park - and that's good.
FALLON: So, let me understand.. you are not on the current cast?

KEVIN NEALON: No, Jimmy. Now, don't let my being here tonight confuse you - George W - this is actually a live show that you're watching, unless, of course, you're doing something else - hot sex - I don't know.  Now, Jimmy's lucky here, because he's up here working with people like Tina Fey - lesbo - and that's great; of course, not to mention, the other cast - white trash - they're all great, they're all great. And, yes, I left, and sometimes people do that, they leave. Molly Shannon was a part of this cast, and now she's off doing movies - porno - and so, now where you see me is on the reruns. Enjoy them. I think they still hold up - residual checks - I really do.

WINONA RYDER: One of you...is the father of my baby....
FALLON & FEY: Oh my god... I'm gonna be a fath....