Snoop Dogg  5-8-04

FALLON: A new article in Vanity Fair says that Bill Clinton is struggling to finish his book, My Life, in time for his deadline.  It's not surprising since you can only type so fast using one hand.

Ross n RachelFEY: Sad news out of New York this week as a Manhattan couple was arrested for child neglect.  The couple shown here spent 4 days working out their 'relationship' in a local coffee shop, without once checking in on their 2-year-old daughter. 

FEY: And now it's time for Weekend Update's Dirtbag of the Week.
FALLON: She hails from a trailer home in Nashby, West Virginia.  After a brief marriage at 19 and a job working at a chicken processing plant, she decided to become a soldier.
 FEY: When she's not busy disgracing her country in ways that will have international repercussions for decades, she enjoys smoking and getting pregnant in military jail.   Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Weekend Update's Dirtbag of the Bill Clinton Week..Private First Class, Lynndie England.  Congratulations Lynndie, here's your box of Virginia Slims.  
LYNNDIE ENGLAND: This is for all the dirtbag's who came before me.  Tonya Harding, Aileen Wuornos, Amy Fisher, Anna Nicole Smith, uh, who else, Roseanne, Tina Fey...

BILL CLINTON:  Thank you.  Thank you all.  And thank you, especially, Tina.  You.Look.Stunning.  Did you do something to your hair?
FEY: Yes, I blew it straight.
CLINTON: Heh.  I bet you did.  What's up J-Bones?
FALLON: How's it goin', dawg, good to see you man. How you doin'?
CLINTON: Oh,,you know, just chillin.  You know how we do.

CLINTON: This one is simply unacceptable.  So the question remains, who in the administration will ultimately be held responsible?  President Bush?  Not likely.  Blaming President Bush for this would be like blaming the San Diego Chicken when the Padres lose.  He's not running the team, he's just a big, furry mascot.

FEY: It has been announced that Pay-Per-View has announced Playgirl TV, the first erotic TV channel designed for women watched by gay men.

FEY: Well, tomorrow is Mother's Day, so don't forget to call that woman who pushed you out of her vagina and take her out for some pancakes.

FEY: Now, with some thoughts on Mother's Day is our own, Jimmy Fallon.
FALLON: Thanks Tina.  Mother's Day is really special to me and I wrote a few songs to show how special it is.  
FEY: Ughhh.. really?!  Again?!
FALLON: What?
FEY: You're gonna do the song parodies, again?
FALLON: Yea, I haven't done 'em all year.
FEY: Yea, but you've been doing them for soooo loooong.