Every live show there is a dress rehearsal that runs from 8pm-10:15pm.
Because dress is 45 minutes longer than the live show, skits
get cut. Come here to get filled in on the Update stuff that didn't make
it to air. ~These are not word for word transcripts of the cut jokes, but
pretty accurate~
Have you attended dress and want to provide some info? Please, email me.
2004 - 2005 SNL Season
Robert DeNiro 12-18-04 
Will Forte as Senator Zell Miller
Kate Winslet 10-30-04
Cut joke: POEHLER: Later in the
week, Colin Powell defended him son Michael against charges of nepotism saying
"my son is enormously qualified
why just look how handsome he is, he
knows all the capitals. Go ahead Mikey, sing that song about all the
capitals."
Cut joke: FEY:
During the 18 minute video, Osama is sharply critical of President Bush's
actions on the morning of September 11th. Boy that's really the pot
calling the kettle black, isn't it?
Cut joke: POEHLER: Bin Laden then
finishes with his most ominous message yet. Let's take a look. Osama
singing "monster mash". Tina and Amy dance next to him.
(Amy adlibs as they sit down: Who were those gorgeous women dancing next to
him?)
Cut bit - Shermain Weems (Kenan) giving fashion tips to Bush and Kerry.
Cut joke: FEY:
the Boston Red Sox, on Wednesday beat the Cardinals to win the World Series for
the first time since 1918 ending the curse of the Bambino and finally giving
Bostonians time exam the more pressing issues in their lives like alcoholism,
having been doodled by priests and finishing the big dig.
Cut joke: POEHLER: The last time
the Red Sox won the world series, a pound of coffee cost 28 cents, world war 1
was ending and women were not allowed to vote, where as today a pound of
coffee's five million dollars, World War 6 is 3/5th's over and women live at the
bus station.
FEY: Yeah, I don't think that's right, Amy.
POEHLER: Hey not all of us could afford
college, nerd.
FEY: What are you talking about? You
went to college.
POEHLER: Hey not all of us were sober,
nerd.
Cut joke: FEY:
Experts say that if Arafat dies soon, it will create a huge power vacuum in the
Palestinian community so I really should put my resume up on monster.com.
POEHLER: Yeah, you look great in head
scarves.
FEY: Thank you. And I could stop
shaving my beard.
Cut joke: POEHLER: NBC is working
on a mini series that will explore the circumstances leading up to September
11th and how the country then gathered around the leadership of President Fraser
Crane.
Cut joke: FEY:
The bush white house admitted Monday that 300-thousand tons of weapons that were
stockpiled in Baghdad were stolen while U.S. forces were supposed to be guarding
them. President Bush blamed the mishap on Ashlee Simpson's
drummer
Hey-oh!
Cut joke: POEHLER: After a
concert in St. Louis last week, singer R. Kelly worked the take-out window of a
McDonalds for three hours. Which is a really down to earth way to meet
underage girls.
Cut joke: FEY:
There's a new Australian study aimed at finding the perfect way for women to
urinate. Well that's easy, it's squatting over Steven Segal, right?
POEHLER: Yep, that's what I was taught in
school.
FEY: Yeah, it's the easiest way to urinate.
Cut joke: POEHLER: The New York
City subway has revived the Miss Subway contest. Contestants will be
graded on their poise, their grace, and tolerance of masturbating homeless
dudes.
Cut joke: FEY:
A South Dakota man who weighed over 1000 pounds when he went to a hospital for
obesity surgery had to wait 4 months for his surgery because he was suffering
from malnutrition. 1000 pounds and suffering from malnutrition (singing
McDonald's theme sing) Ba-dup-bup-ba-ba I'm loving it.
Cut joke: FEY:
80-thousand people turned out in Wisconsin, Saturday to see Bruce
Springsteen. The price of admission was pretending to be excited about
John Kerry.
Cut joke: POEHLER: Dylan
and Jessie Smith, twin brothers from long beach, both scored perfect 1600's on
their SAT's. Their parents say they are very of Dylan and once again so
very disappointed in Jessie. Adlibs: Jessie can not get a break.
Cut joke: POEHLER: A part
time employee of 7/11 in Michigan received a $711 check because her newborn son
weighed in at 7 pounds 11 ounces. It's the least we can do, a spokesperson
said, for child who will be raised in utter poverty.
Cut joke: FEY:
The internet corporation for assigning names has announced preliminary approval
for two new domains. Dot post and dot travel. So for fans of our
website, we are now at buyourdirtypanties.travel.
Shortened bit - Elton John: Sang a song about
Madonna as well.
Jude Law 10-23-04
Cut joke: FEY:
President Bush spent the weekend in Pennsylvania criticizing Kerry's plan to tax
people who make over 200-thousand dollars a year. BUSH: "The rich
hire lawyers and accountants for a reason. To slip the tab to you."
FEY: So I'm cutting out the middle man and
screwing you directly.
Cut joke: FEY:
Colin Powell said Monday that they are doing everything possible to ensure the
Iraqi people are able to vote on January 30. Then he turned to the aide
next to him and said
10 more day of this schiznit and I am out of here.
(Adlib: POEHLER: He said Schiznit?
FEY: Schiznit!)
Cut joke: POEHLER: Though Fidel
Castro did suffer some injuries, fortunately for the Cuban dictator his fall was
broken by Elian Gonzalez. Cute!
Cut joke: POEHLER: A man who was
trying to shoot a mouse with a small caliber hand gun missed and ended up
wounded his girlfriend instead. You know I got say that's terrible but I
can't blame him. If I came home and found my husband in bed with a mouse,
I would try to shoot that mouse.
Cut joke: FEY:
It was reported that an air circulation vent failed Sunday sending smoke through
parts of the west wing. After hearing about it, John Kerry said "I'm
just so happy to hear that Dick Cheney's gay daughter Mary was not harmed".
Cut joke: POEHLER: Ralph Nader
said that he would take his campaign through 10 states for a last minute push
before election day. So all aboard the rambling killjoy express.
Cut joke: FEY:
Two men were arrested this week after they ran on stage and threw pies at
conservative columnist Ann Coulter as she was giving a speech at the University
of Arizona. The men said they don't disagree with Coulter's politics, they
just think she should eat something.
Cut joke: FEY:
The Santa Rosa de Turea school in Peru is now insisting that all of their
students be virgins and must provide a virgin certificate. Worst, they
have to be signed by the janitor.
Cut joke: POEHLER: After turtle
joke. Let's see if I can make this out, Tina. I can read turtle.
Let's see
Gleep glop glorp sad bleep blop blorp, not your fault. That's
a sweet turtle. (after no one laughs) I can fucking read turtle!
Adlib: (picture of John Hinckley over Amy's shoulder)
FEY: It's your boyfriend
POEHLER- my boyfriend just wanted to say hi.
John Hinckley the man who tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan in 1981 wants a 5
day unsupervised visit with his parents, or just like 10 minutes with Jodie
Foster.
The Babe Ruth segment was much longer and completely different.
It was mostly them joking about how the segment was going to be cut.
Darrell Hammond as Bill O'Reilly discussing the difference between
sexual harassment and encouraging the staff.
Seth Meyers talking about how deteriorating relations between Europe
and America and how it's hurting the people who live abroad for a semester to be
cool.
Queen Latifah 10-9-04
Cut joke: POEHLER: A college
football player was recently suspended while after vandalizing his girlfriend's
room and defecating in her hamper. Most impressive, he did it while scoring a
touchdown. Adlibs: I don't even know what that means!
Cut joke: POEHLER: (Stumbles
through joke) Walmart has announced it will not halt plans to build a superstore
in the shadow of ancient ruins in Mexico City. The opening of the store will
also unveil their new slogan. Walmart: Resistance is Futile. Adlibs: That was a
great joke and fucked it up.
Cut joke: POEHLER:
Budweiser has announced that they will be adding caffeine to some of its beer.
Making it that much easier for guys to date rape you.
Will Forte commentary challenging Osama bin Laden to a hot dog eating
contest (Also cut from Janet Jackson)
At the start of the Helen Hunt/Jennifer Aniston bit, Tina asked why
she couldn't be Jennifer Aniston, to which Amy answered, "because I'm the
boss of you."
2003 - 2004 SNL Season
Snoop Dogg 5-8-04
Cut joke: FALLON:
A tiger has been auctioned for $20,000. In a related story Michael Jackson has
gotten married.
Cut joke: FEY:
(After Ross & Rachel joke) In a related story a couple has been charged with
leaving their newborn babies in their apartment to go smash a foosball table.
Cut joke: FALLON:
Kid Rock and Anna Nicole Smith reportedly got into an argument at the Kentucky
Derby. This makes
sense since Kid Rock and Anna Nicole arguing is the state flag of Kentucky.
Cut joke: FEY:
Roy Horn has decided to give an exclusive interview to Maria Shriver. Reportedly
Horn likes her comically accented English.
Cut joke: FALLON:
The government has fined Bill Gates $800,000 for anti-trust violations. Well,
that's the end of Microsoft.
Cut joke: FALLON:
A woman found a bullet in a Costco hot dog. What's left unanswered is why
someone would shoot a hot dog.
Cut joke: FEY:
Britney Spears recently got a Kaballah symbol tattooed to her but the symbol was
tattooed backwards and is therefore meaningless. This is not the first time
Britney has made that mistake. (Picture of a "Farted Who" tattoo)
Cut joke: FEY:
A cop shot himself in the leg at a speech to kids. Police said the speech was
supposed to be on gun safety while the kids said the speech was awesome.
Cut joke: FEY:
YMCA officials were shocked to find a gay orgy taking place. The participants
were (cue all members of the Village People). (Bombed in dress so Tina and Jimmy
made fun of it.)
Lindsay Lohan 5-1-04
Cut joke: FALLON:
There's a report out in France that the Mona Lisa's famous smile is fading.
Apparently she's been watching too many ABC sitcoms.
Cut joke: FEY:
Last night Nightline aired a controversial special where it read off the
names of all the soldiers killed in Iraq. It was then followed by Jimmy Kimmel
Live.
Cut joke: FEY:
This week a World War II memorial was unveiled in Washington. Next up: A draft
dodger memorial. (Picture of W., Clinton and Cheney)
Cut joke: FALLON:
CNBC is planning on doing a show on Al Sharpton. The show will follow Sharpton
as he calls people racist for not watching his show.
Will Forte as American Idol
reject John Stevens, being boring and singing "Get Outta My Dreams, Get
Into My Car," by Billy Ocean, (completely monotone) with Jimmy & Tina.
Janet Jackson 4-10-04
Cut bit -
The Update Years: Tina starts telling a joke and the camera cuts to Jimmy
thinking about his time at update. Wonder Years theme song fades up.
Takes out a Letterman jacket and puts it over Tina's shoulders. Fades to
black and graphic "The Update Years."
Cut bit -
Simon Cowell as Tina's boyfriend. Tina gets up to leave in the middle of
update because her boyfriend is here and is "really demanding."
Simon comes out and insults her outfit and hair and Jimmy yells at him causing
him to leave. Bit ends with
FEY:
Great, Jimmy
now I'll never have a baby.
FALLON:
What about your husband?
FEY:
Oh yeah! I'm married! Suck on that Simon Cowell!
Cut
bit - Will Forte hot dog eating contest against Osama Bin Laden
Donald Trump 4-3-04
Chris Parnell as a movie critic
Seth Meyers discussing baseball season
Cut joke: FEY:
Presidential Candidate John Kerry entered the hospital
this week for shoulder surgery. Apparently he injured his shoulder by
going 'My competition is really this guy' (Tina moving arm to point -
graphic George Bush) After no one laughs, adlibs: Don't worry
I'm just warming up.
Cut joke: FEY:
Richard Clarke won favor with the public by apologizing
at the 9-11 testimonies this week saying 'I'm sorry
Your government failed
you, our intelligence failed you, I failed you
' Richard, Richard
you had me
at 'I'm sorry'.
Cut joke: FEY:
A seven year investigation of the New Orleans Police
Department recently ended... so watch out black people.
Cut joke: FALLON:
A juror on the Martha Stewart trial has been accused of
lying about his past and now lying about criminal record. In fact, the
juror has been lying so much lately, he's starting to remind people of Martha
Stewart.
Cut joke: FALLON:
It has been reported that 300,000 new jobs have been
created since President Bush has entered office. In response, George Bush
has said 'that's true. I created the job of refrigerator painter
that
didn't exist before I came into office. Booger engineer
turtle jockey.
Cut joke: FALLON:
The cover of Maxim this month features Marge
Simpson
don't even think about it nerds
it's gross.
Cut joke: FEY:
This next week marks the beginning of the Jewish Holiday
Passover. Passover, of course, is when the lord God bestowed the Atkins
diet to his people.
Cut joke: FALLON:
A piece of art which featured the American flag made out
of 131 $1 bills was stolen from an art museum last week
Gosh. I
hope they get that back. Can you imagine how much money that is?
FEY: Yeah, it's 131 dollars.
FALLON: ..that
would be like 100 thousand dollars...
Cut joke: FALLON:
A new survey shows that more people would rather have
money than sex. (cut to close up cam on Jimmy) But I say why not have
both?
Cut joke: FEY:
And now time for our newest segment, Jimmy Fallon Explains What You Did.
FALLON: After being visited by a spirit in a dream a man in Taiwan cut off
his penis because he didn't have any chickens or ducks to offer the spirit.
So here's what you did. You had a dream a spirit came to you and because
you had no chickens or ducks
you cut off your penis. That's what you
did.
FEY: This has been Jimmy Fallon
Explains What You Did
I tried to sell
it for you.
Cut joke: FEY:
A man was arrested after he made an arrangement with a
woman on a rape fantasy site but then broke into the wrong apartment.
Ironically that's the exact plot line of next week's 'Life with Bonnie.'
Ben Affleck 3-13-04
Cut joke: FEY:
"This week, John Ashcroft underwent surgery to remove his gallbladder.
However, his spleen is being detained indefinitely."
Cut joke: FEY:
"In Indonesia, it has become illegal for people to kiss on the mouth in
public. So remember, when you go to Indonesia, only kiss your twelve-year old
boy prostitute on the cheek!"
Cut joke:
Jimmy had a joke about the comment that person in the news made last week about
if gay people can get married, why couldn't people marry their pets. The pet
marriage movement, of course, already has a famous spokeperson: Richard Gere.
(shows pic of Richard Gere and Nibbles getting married.
Colin Firth 3-6-04
Cut joke: FALLON:
"As you know, the Oscars were held this past Sunday. The big winner? Anyone who missed the Billy
Bush pre-show."
Cut joke: FEY:
"A woman in Michigan who already has ten children says she will stop having babies until she gives birth to
twins, or until dust comes out. adlibs: Why do I think that is so funny?"
Cut joke: FEY: "Officials in Britain have opted not to use a color system to warn
of terrorist threats, saying it would cause 'undue panic.' Meanwhile, here in
the U.S., we're sticking with 'undue panic.'"
Cut joke: FEY: "In honor of the subway's 100th birthday, the MTA put subway cars from
the 40s and 50s back into service on Tuesday. This is good news for anyone who
likes Hitler graffiti and polio germs."
Cut joke: FEY: "Elton John has announced that he will marry his partner, David
Furnish, once civil unions become legal in Britain."
FALLON: "Wait,
Elton John is gay???"
Christina Aguilera 2-21-04
Cut bit: Horatio Sanz as Gene Shalit reviewing
the Oscars. All three and the audience were laughing so hard during dress,
they could not get any jokes out.
Cut bit:
FALLON: A new
study shows more people are turning to specific interest websites to find love.
That's true Tina, I have a date tonight with someone I met on Weekend Update
Anchor dot com. You should meet her. You'll really like her.
FEY: (looking
into a hand mirror) - No Jimmy, I don't. (eats a cupcake)
FALLON: No you
would
it's Jane Curtain.
FEY: Oh yeah!
She's great!
Cut joke (after the joke where Tina tells Ralph
Nader to stay home)
FEY: "How can I explain this one to you guys?
It's like you have tickets to see the Rolling Stones but you give them away
because you're ticked that Spin Doctors in the opening act. So instead you
go home and watch a Shania Twain special on VH1 for four years! No?
The Rolling Stones reference too old? Ok then how about this. Our
system of government is like American Idol. You get to vote on who you
want to be the president. So lets say (so and so) split the vote the third
week, suddenly (different name) is in the bottom three and George Bush is the
President for the next four years!!"
Cut bit: (adlib directly after last joke) Jimmy
looks under desk and pretends to kick something) - "Sorry, can you get your
soap box out of the way?"
Drew Barrymore 2-14-04
Cut joke: FEY:
"A new study shows more woman who are victims of sexual abuse are getting
help now more than ever before. Oh great, now who's going to make porn?"
Amy Poeher & Seth Meyers as Barbie and
Ken, with Barbie accusing a flaming Ken of being gay.
Will Forte commentary on Black History Month.
(appeared in Christina Aguilera)
Cut bit: Jimmy and Tina "putting to rest the rumors that they are in love."
Jimmy had a device that could tell if people were in love by talking into it.
Tina talked into it in her "real voice" (which sounded suspiciously
like Arnold Schwarzenegger) about how she was in love with Jimmy, but they found
out they weren't in love
it made about as much sense on stage as it did in
this description.
Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey 1-17-04
Jessica Simpson explaining the Caucus to
Tina.
Cut joke: FEY:
"A woman in Florida last week was cited for intoxication after she drove
her wheelchair into the side of a van. Interesting side note here, a drunk
woman driving her wheelchair into the side of a van is also the Florida State
Bird."
Cut joke: FEY:
"People magazine has named the worst dressed and Paris Hilton tops this
year's list. Rick Soloman came in right behind her."
Cut joke: FEY:
"A new research study shows that high heels are not a cause for arthritis,
however, they can still give you the clap. (Graphic - Sex and the City
girls)
Cut joke: FALLON:
"This week is Popeye's 75th birthday, so whatever you do, stay away from
Dave Coulier."
Jennifer Aniston 1-10-04
Cut joke: FEY:
"Britney Spears got her marriage annulled after 55 hours this week.
And Republicans say gay unions are ruining the sanctity of marriage."
Cut joke: FALLON:
"Newsday is running a contest where you can win a Britney Wedding.
You get a hotel in Vegas, a wedding at the Little White Wedding Chapel, and oh
yeah, you also get to marry Britney "
Cut joke: FEY:
"In China, because of the SARS virus, they are killing many cats. This
leads me to wonder...what isn't considered a delicacy in China?"
Cut joke: FEY:
"Nick Carter and Paris Hilton have been seen together lately holding
hands...on an Asian sex swing."
Elijah Wood 12-13-03
Cut joke: FEY:
"This week Keiko the whale from Free Willy died at the age of 29. He died the same way most whales do his age- auto erotic aphysixiation"
Cut joke: FALLON:
"There are reports of a flu epidemic across America. There's also been an epidemic of crazy reporting."
(After dead silence from the audience, Jimmy said they would put that joke in
the live show just to piss them off)
Cut bit: After the Whitney Houston
segment-
FEY:
The Brown family. It's nice to see they've worked things out.
FALLON:
That reminds me. (Punches Tina)
Al Sharpton 12-6-03
Cut joke: After the bit about 1 million
pennies, Jimmy says "You know what I'd do with one million pennies?
I'd make 1 million of those squished penny souvenirs."
Fred Armisen commentary as Jack Black
describing the Rockefeller Christmas Tree Lighting. He actually described
the sandwich he made before hand. The bit ended with an increasingly
random dance as Jimmy & Tina yelled, "sell it, sell it!"
Alec Baldwin 11-15-03
Cut joke: FEY:
"Jessica Simpson has a new deal in the works for a sitcom on ABC. Sources
say that it will be a cross between Friends and Life Goes On."
[pictured: split screen of Jennifer Aniston & Corky]
Cut joke: FEY:
"It was reported that a woman complained after finding a condom in her clam chowder. She was
even more surprised when she found a birth control patch on her lobster."
Cut joke: FEY:
[Tina held up a recent photo of Britney Spears in low-rider jeans]
"Attention. Missing: Britney Spears' pubes. They were last seen
two weeks ago in this region" [draws triangle on Britney's crotch]
Cut bit: Fred Armisen popped up after one of Tina's jokes as Ringo
Starr to deliver Walrus-speak to the camera.
Andy Roddick 11-8-03
Cut joke: Jimmy did a joke about scientists recently deciding that
excess gas in river water comes from the farts of herring fish. He then
said, "Come on, I've always thought that, I wrote the book on it!,"
and pulled out a book entitled "Do You Hear Herring Farts?" By Jimmy
Fallon.
Weekend Update Joke-Off- A man showed his genitals as evidence in a
court case.
Barbara Walters interview with Martha Stewart, which ended with them
making out (appeared as the Cold Open).
Kelly Ripa 11-1-03
After the Drunk Girl commentary,
Tina started eating the candy which fell out of the cat suit. When the
audience started making "ewww" noises she yelled back, "What?
It's still candy!"
Rachel Dratch commentary as a hobo chatting about Halloween
Halle Berry 10-18-03
Commentary from Jeff Richards &
Rachel Dratch as Babe Ruth & Babe Ruth's girlfriend
Justin Timberlake 10-11-03
Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler commentary
on the Boston Red Sox
Horatio Sanz (as Elton John) and Will
Forte movie review commentary
2002 - 2003 SNL Season
Dan Aykroyd 5-17-03
Cut joke: FEY: "Wayne Brady won two Emmys last night. One for shucking and the other for jiving."
(Tina then adlibbed: "That's for my own personal collection")
Cut joke: FEY: "Jules Asner and
Steven Soderbergh recently got married. This marks the biggest difference in IQ since
Camille Paglia married a double headed dildo."
Cut joke: FEY: "A mental hospital is looking for people knowledgeable in Klingon.
See, I do have a summer job!" (sticks out tongue)
Cut joke: FEY: "Adam Shankman, the director of the Wedding Planner, has filed a
lawsuit against Jennifer Lopez claiming she stole his idea for a big screen
adaptation of the opera, Carmen. Lopez claims she got it from the big box next to her bed marked
Terrible Ideas.
"
Cut joke: FALLON: "This week in Hollywood
gossip- your
favorite star is probably gay."
Cut joke: FALLON: "After mixing up Pete Seger and Pete Rose, NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg ran into hot water again for mispronouncing Joe Torre's name as Joe Torres. Ironically people are pronouncing Bloomberg's name as 'The Worst'
"
Cut joke: FALLON: "A London professor has come up with a formula for a box office hit. (Jimmy then goes over the results of his pie chart- ie 12% sex, 35% action) The most important thing-
0% Madonna."
Cut joke: FALLON: "This week the
Second Annual World Dracula Congress was held. They debated over who Dracula's mother was, how their life turned out this way and capes- cool or uncool?"
Cut joke: FALLON: "Sandra Bullock went to court recently to get a judge to order her stalker away from her. Apparently she's playing hard to get."
Chris Parnell as
the Broadway guy singing about Les Mis closing.
Cut bit:
Jimmy did an intro about some psych magazine naming celebrity worship a mental disorder.
FALLON: I have someone who follows me around all week.
FEY: Jimmy, I work here!
FALLON: I'd like to remind you of the restraining order I
have against you. You need to stay 12 inches away from me at all times.
FEY: I love you, but one day, I'm gonna kill you. (psycho voice)
Cut bit:
There was an elaborate Wonder Years parody in which Jimmy's voiceover went over
all the past Weekend Updates. At the end he put a jacket on Tina (ala Kevin
& Winnie Cooper). The Joe Cocker Wonder Years theme song played as
well. Finally, at the end of the bit the Wonder Years closing credit
(created by) appeared. Jimmy then said, "it's too bad we can't
do that on air."
Cut bit:
Weekend Update Cliffhanger:
FEY: It's time for the WU cliffhanger
FALLON: Tina- The mothership is calling me home
::Jimmy :rises up on wires::
Adrien Brody 5-10-03
Cut joke: FALLON: "UC-Berkeley recently announced that due to the SARS virus they are not
allowing any Asians to attend the university. So congratulations to the new
valedictorian, with a GPA of 1.34, Matt Young!"
Cut joke: FEY: David Hyde Pierce has announced that after next season
Frasier will be going off the air. I guess viewers weren't that interested in Niles trying to have anal sex with Daphne.
Cut joke: FALLON: "Tomorrow is Mother's Day, which means I have less
than 23 hours to convince my mom that D-A-D was the one who scarred me."
Cut joke: FEY: "It's been
reported that William Shatner's ex-wife, Marcy Lafferty Shatner, has sued him,
claiming Shatner has been providing her with freeze dried horse semen rather
than fresh horse semen for their horse, as stipulated in their divorce
proceedings. Man- all this talk about horse semen makes me hungry."
Cut joke: FEY: "At the age of 54, Helen Mirren
has said she was comfortable with getting naked for her new movie on Showtime.
Too bad the scenes were not in the script."
Cut joke: FALLON: "It was announced
this week that Indiana Jones is finally coming to DVD. Insiders say
the delay was because executive producer, George Lucas, was trying to find a way to ruin them."
Cut joke: FEY: "It's been
reported that motorists waiting on long, winding lines for fuel in
Zimbabwe have started taking advantage of the female sex workers who are
reportedly "cashing in" on the fuel shortage. Of course you could always go with the cheaper alternative-
self service."
Cut joke: FALLON: "Paris Hilton is
in negotiations to pose nude for Playboy. She hopes to be the featured
privileged skank of the month."
Cut joke: FEY: "Dick Cheney has said he is well enough to run for
Vice President in 2004. Because war helps him unwind."
Cut joke: FEY: "This Friday, the MTA officially raised prices to $2.00 up from a $1.50. For the extra 50 cents you get a free male peepshow."
Cut bit:
FALLON:
This week a Detroit company is opening up Flight Club offering up flights from Detroit to Las Vegas with the stewardesses dressed scantily
clad. You know the first rule of Flight Club?
FEY: You're gonna punch me, right?
::Jimmy punches Tina:::
Tracy and Seth selling products that have names that rhyme with words commonly used in rap songs.
Tracy got the idea from 50 Cent 'In the Club' (Bacardi-Party)
The pencil bit-- The Pope blessed the pencil
and Jimmy bowed to him.
Tina used the word "dyke" instead of
"lezzie" in the joke about the girls fighting.
Ashton Kutcher 5-3-03
Cut joke: FEY: "Christina Aguilera has dyed her hair
black. Either that or she is rotting away."
Cut joke: FEY: "This week, a teacher gave birth in her classroom with students watching.
Of course there was that one student who refused to take part in the dissection."
After no one in the audience got Tina's Tommy Lee joke, she
announced, "it's cause he has a giant cock."
Rachel Dratch in makeup with the baby arm sticking out of her head -
as an X-Men mutant reject
Update opened with Jimmy wearing a mask due to the SARS
outbreak. He then took off the mask and everyone saw it was because he
grew a mustache over the break and was trying to hide it with the SARS
mask.. Tina then responded, "sometimes I wonder why I love
you..."
Ray Romano 4-12-03
Tracy Morgan commentary on tax tips. He explained that since he
is an entertainer he can get all kinds of tax cuts, for example, he is sitting
in a restaurant and someone asks for his autograph, that's a tax cut, so the
dinner should be free. He kept saying "tax deducing," and Jimmy
said "Don't you mean tax deductions?" Tracy replied, "this
is tax talk Jimmy. Don't try to know it."
Salma Hayek 3-15-03
Jimmy announced that it was a day for being grateful, and said,
"We should say what we're grateful for. I'm grateful to be working with you, Tina." Tina replied, "Aww, thanks
Jimmy! I'm grateful for RU-486, which, I found out, you can't take twice in one
day..." <awkward pause>
Cut joke: FEY: "A study was released this week saying
that babies who are given a bottle too soon after breastfeeding may develop 'nipple confusion.' Also developing nipple
confusion--Hugh Hefner."
Cut joke: FEY: "Researchers at the American Heritage
Dictionary have found that Fred Durst did in fact use the word 'agreeance' correctly at last month's Grammys. Meanwhile, I am using the word 'douche bag'
correctly when I say, 'Regardless, Fred Durst is a douche bag.' "
Cut joke: FALLON: "It was announced this week that former Spice Girl Geri Halliwell will be a judge on the show 'All American Girl.' Congratulations Geri, here's another 45 seconds of fame."
Cut joke- During "Jimmy & Tina Yelling At America,"
Tina explained that French Stewart will now be known as "Freedom
Stewart" in America. They also showed a picture of Frenchie from
American Idol and said she will now be known as "Americanie" in
France.
Queen Latifah 3-8-03
Seth Meyers & Amy Poehler as a rich couple inspecting seats of an
SUV
A joke in which Tina called Fred Durst a 'douche bag'
Matthew McConaughey 2-8-03
Tina did a demonstration on how to properly put on a condom using a
banana. She was about to stick it in her mouth but the "technical
difficulties" cartoon version of Tina and Jimmy appeared.
Tina & Jimmy had Tracy Morgan come in to say "niggers"
every time the word was mentioned in the piece they were doing so they wouldn't
be considered racist. At the end Tina said "we tried that same joke with
Chris Kattan but it didn't work...I wonder why?"
Cut joke: Jimmy did a joke about people
creating a 24 pound burger and asked "who would eat a 24 pound burger? That
would be silly." Then the camera had a close-up on his face and he added,
"Right, people of Kenya?" (also cut from the Superbowl Half-Time Show)
Seth Meyers as Jeff Goldblum
Fred Armisen as Sam Waterston
Superbowl Half-Time Show 1-26-03
Jimmy & Tina said "Live From New York..." standing in
front of the Update desk.
Chris Parnell as President Bush calling Jimmy & Tina on the phone
to practice his upcoming State of the Union address, which he scribbled on the
back of a Dunkin Donuts bag.
Seth Meyers trying begging Tina & Jimmy for money because he lost
a Superbowl bet. He wanted Jimmy to buy some used CDs and simply asked
Tina to lend him some money. Finally, he pulled out a cooler saying he
would donate a kidney because "I think Tracy knows a dude."
Tina introduced The Jimmy Fallon Situation saying, "Performing a
song sure to be found on God's iPod..."
For the goodnights, the SNL cast gathered around the Update desk
waving goodnight. In a possible premonition, Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler
pretended to be Jimmy and Tina, making fun of them fooling with paper and
pencils doing the news.
During the Hardball segment, Chris Matthews' opening line was "I
haven't seen this many people in line for guarenteed disappointment since
opening night of Kangaroo Jack."
Cut joke: FEY: France and Germany have signed an agreement on
the War on Iraq where France will now be able to use its veto power in the UN
Security Council. This marks the first time France and Germany have agreed
on anything since anti-Semitism.
Cut joke: FALLON: Now for a News
Quiz... Bob Dylan.. or a
scrotum in a ski hat?
Cut joke: FEY: A man attempting to call a phone sex line
accidentally dialed the Cleveland Chief of Police at his home. In the
man's defense, Chief of Police's number was 1-900-FAT-JUGS.
Ray Liotta 1-18-03
Fred Armisen as Fericito
Jeff Richards as Baby K
During his commentary, Tim Calhoun took off his shirt
Jeff Gordon 1-11-03
Cut joke: FEY: "A 70 year-old prostitute was arrested last week. Police say the woman was
finally caught when her vagina fell off."
Cut joke: FEY: "It has been reported that the Berlin Zoo
will soon be sending their middle-aged chimps to China for their early
retirement. Apparently, the Berlin zookeepers and visitors could see the
chimps were getting old and no longer amusing the public when they started
throwing their poop underhand." (appeared in Ray Liotta)
Cut joke: FEY: "It was announced that Shania Twain will
be performing during the Super Bowl half-time special later this month, where
she'll be joined by millions of people getting up to go to the bathroom."
Cut joke: FEY: "A doctor in Ontario, Canada has
discovered a new disease known as Meralgia Paresthetica, in which low
rider jeans crush a nerve in the hip and also result in 'crack rage.'
Personally, I think I do have 'crack rage,' because I am sick of looking at
certain cracks. So, Christina Aguilera, Maya Rudolph, pull your pants up!
"
Cut joke: FALLON: "Tom Daschle has announced that he will
not be running for President in 2004, but he does plan on losing in 2008."
Jimmy's Grammy bit was longer where Mikey Sanders actually voted for
Jimmy until he saw who else was on the ballot.
Al Gore 12-16-02
Cut joke: FEY: Russell Crowe is now engaged to on-again, off-again girlfriend, Danielle Spencer.
He reportedly bought an engagement ring worth $200,000 dollars. Awww, you know
when your man buys you jewelry worth that much, he.... is cheating on you."
Cut joke: FALLON: "Researchers have recently developed a new
form of birth control that men can take. That's great and all, but I wish
they would have come up with that 8 months ago!" (Stands up and has a huge
belly - he danced around with it)
When Rachel Dratch (as a Bunny Ranch girl) tells Jimmy he should come
on down because "virgins get a discount," his reply was, "What
the fuck you talkin' about?"
Fred Armisen commentary as Fericito
Will Forte commentary as Senator Tim Calhoun
Robert DeNiro 12-7-02
Dean Edwards as Michael Jackson making jokes about the recent
ridiculous things he has been doing: spider bites, dangling toddlers, accepting
awards that don't exist, telling David Blaine his magic is real and that he
believes in him.
Darrell Hammond as a member of the Augusta National Golf Club,
commentary about how not allowing women in the Golf Club isn't discrimination,
but a "gay thing."
Cut joke: FEY: (after Shania Twain joke) "...Isn't Time
supposed to be a news magazine, and not Shania Twain Weekly?"
A running gag where Jimmy tells Tina he's been a little on edge
lately because he has a stalker....who is a giant lobster. He
explains about the stalker, pauses to talk about his paranoia regarding the
stalker, then ad-libs, "There better be a big pay-off for this, huh?"
At the end, a giant lobster claw pulls him off the set. At first he and
Tina were just laughing and then Jimmy remembered he was supposed to be freaked
out, so he started screaming and ran. Then he ran back in and
did a belly flop onto the desk.
Brittany Murphy 11-16-02
Adam Sandler commentary as Cajun Man.
Cut joke: FALLON: "As part of a promotion for the fast food
chain, a McDonald's in Florida had an elephant pass through the drive-through
window, ordering 10 of their new veggie burgers. The promotion was a success
with the elephant eating all 10 veggie burgers... then it got loose
and raped Grimace."
Nia Vardalos 11-9-02
Chris Parnell as a minister who keeps making sexual innuendos.
At one point they all come together for prayer and he grabs the side of Tina's
boob.
Eric McCormack 11-2-02
Geraldo Rivera commentary
Sen. John McCain 10-19-02
Cut joke: FEY: (after Kid Rock/Pam Anderson joke) "...Kid
Rock is especially excited for the honeymoon, where he plans to try to find a hole on
Pamela that he hasn't stuck it in yet."
Cut joke: FEY: "Carlos Santana has said one of the
reasons he loves sex so much is because during sex you forget that you're poor, black,
Mexican, or anything, you're just two human beings. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disagree, because lord knows how many times during sex
I've said 'give it to me, you poor, black, Mexican!'"
Iraq rant was longer ("I have 8 minutes left by the
way...")
Chris Kattan as Hollywood commentary ("Naomi who? Naomi where?
Naomi Watts everybody!")
After Update ended, the audience was cheering so loud that Tina got up on the desk and ran through the crowd
Matt Damon 10-5-02
Dick Cheney commentary (same as cold open)
2001 - 2002 SNL Season
Winona Ryder 5-18-02
Cut joke: FEY: "It was reported that Ozzy Osbourne and
Camilla Parker Bowles will both be attending Queen Elizabeth's concert at
Buckingham Palace next month. This is the second thing Ozzy and Camilla
have in common, as they both like to put strange things in their mouths."
[pictured: Ozzy biting the head off a bat and a photo of Prince Charles]
Cut joke: FEY:
"It was reported World Cup stadiums in South Korea will be serving hot dogs
with real dog meat to visitors. This
makes us nervous for future offerings" [pictured: bottle of Catsup complete
with a cat on it]
Cut joke: FEY: "After five years, yesterday was Early Show
host, Bryant Gumbel's last show. The stagehands had a tearful goodbye and
then proceeded to rip his name off his dressing room door."
Cut joke: FALLON: "A trucker
reportedly fell asleep at the wheel, spilling the dozens of eggs he was carrying
all over the interstate...once again allowing Burt Reynolds to escape from the police."
[Smokey & the Bandit reference]
Cut joke: FALLON: "This week George Lucas turned
58. What do you get for the man that has everything? How about a box of good dialogue."
Cut joke: FALLON: "This week, the Center for Disease
Control reported that 25% of high school kids still smoke cigarettes. Maybe less
kids would smoke if they stop referring to them as The Cool Kids."
[pie chart shown indicating percentages with smoking population as
cool kids].
Cut joke: FALLON: "Robert Baer, a former New Jersey
prosecutor claims he suggested the idea for The Sopranos to producer David
Chase. Making him the
thousandth person from New Jersey to claim The Sopranos was based on them."
Tina's Baby Rant actually began, "On a personal note, today is
my birthday.." and went into the rant on the premise of getting older and
having all this pressure to have a baby.
When the girls left after the Baby/Birthday Rant,
Jimmy said in response to being surrounded by a bunch of girls talking about
babies, Wow, I almost feel gay after that to which Tina says You almost
look gay, too! Then Jimmy
mumbled, Good thing its her fuckin birthday!
Seth Meyers as a flustered Hugh Grant begging the audience to see
About A Boy
Kirsten Dunst 5-11-02
Cut joke: FEY: "It was announced that enrollment has
jumped since Beaver College changed its name after years of ridicule. Had
they known enrollment would increase, they would've shaved it a long time
ago."
Cut joke: FALLON: "Julia Roberts will appear nude
for the first time in the upcoming film Full Frontal. Meaning if you
want to see Julia Roberts naked, you'll just have to wait your turn like
everybody else."
Cut joke- Jimmy set up a joke about the delay of the next Harry Potter book, saying- "I guess
kids will have to wait a little longer to find out what happens to [insert incorrect
character names]." Tina interrupts- "Wait, those aren't Harry Potter characters" Jimmy:
"Nerd Alert! Nerd!" It was awkward and didn't go over as well as the Lord of the
Rings bit from the Ellen Update. After their frozen stares into the camera, Jimmy
turns to Tina and says, "We'll cut that after dress rehearsal?" and Tina
replies, "Leave it
in!"
Jimmy pulls out a huge sugar cube and licks it like a little kid
Kirsten Dunst and Chris Parnell interacted longer after his rap
Alec Baldwin 4-20-02
Jeff Richards as a miniature rapper (appeared in Eric McCormack)
The Rock 4-13-02
Cut joke- Tina spoke of Heidi Fleiss doing a book signing.
"For $20 she will sign and for $40..." [Jimmy hands her a piece of paper]
"Apparently, I can't say cooterlips."
Seth Meyers as Tobey Maguire talking about Spiderman (appeared in
Alec Baldwin)
Maya Rudolph played a character named Ingrid who insists Tracy Morgan
should be in every movie.
Cameron Diaz 4-6-02
Tina & Jimmy did the Vampire Rapist bit that appeared in The
Rock.
Ian McKellen 3-16-02
Cut joke: FEY: "France has announced that the first ever female condom machine will be installed in a hotel next month.
There's already talk that the second will be installed inside a certain Paris Hilton."
[edit: Barely anyone in the audience got this joke. Paris Hilton is the
daughter of Conrad Hilton. She's a model who reportedly gets around.]
Cut joke: FALLON: "Fox filmed several different endings to their
Celebrity Boxing matches, so that the outcome wouldn't leak on the internet.
Unfortunately, none of the alternate endings had the players leaving with their dignity."
Cut joke: FALLON: [as part of the Seinfeld joke]
"Seinfeld and American Express finally reached an agreement after
Seinfeld kept asking, 'what's the deal with my deal?' " *After this joke Tina says
"He owes me $5. I bet him $5 that nobody would laugh at that
joke."
Cut joke: FALLON: "American actor, Eric Aude, who played
a supporting role in the film Dude Where's My Car, has been charged with opium
possession in Pakistan. Due to the country's harsh drug laws, Aude could
be asking himself, "Dude, where's my hand?"
Maggie Smith's commentary was longer - she went through all of the
nominees
Jon Stewart 3-9-02
Cut joke: FEY: "Whoopi Goldberg has once said that she got her name because sometimes she gets so gassy that she sounds like a whoopi cushion.
That might explain the name of her lesser-known younger sister, Queaf
Goldberg." *They knew beforehand that they weren't allowed to do this joke
on the live show.
Cut joke: FEY: "Virginia Beach, Virginia has been named by Ladies' Home Journal as the friendliest city in America for single women. Coming in second: Detachable Shower Head, Florida."
Cut joke: FALLON: "This week, Barbara Walters dissed ABC for its treatment of Ted Koppell.
She didn't mean to bite the hand that feeds them, claiming they feed her very well. She then tried not to look directly at Star Jones."
Cut joke: Tina & Jimmy riff on nicknames for Anne Heche's baby,
Homer Heche Laffoon. "Homersexual" "Homo
Baffoon"
Bill Clinton in Black & White commentary spoofing the HBO
Monica Lewinsky special
Tina introduced a second Terrible Re-Enactment by Chris Kattan:
"We have a special treat for everyone..." - Diane Sawyer refusing to be on Letterman
and performing "Get the Party Started."
Jonny Moseley 3-2-02
George W. Bush commentary (same as cold open)
Jimmy did a joke about California Raisins and
Tina put on huge white gloves and did the California Raisin Dance.
Britney Spears 2-2-02
Dean Edwards commentary on fatherhood.
Jack Black 1-19-02
Cut joke: FEY: "Security has been heightened for Groundhog Day, when
Puxatawny Phil comes out to see his shadow. Cause if anything would affect the social and economic face of this country
- it's terrorists killing Puxatawny Phil."
Joke-Off: Condom Found in Burger. Jimmy wins 5-3. Tina passed on
several turns.
In the midst of her lengthy Enron rant, Tina said, "I've got another 45
minutes to go..."
Dean Edwards did commentary on fatherhood.
Ellen DeGeneres 12-15-01
Greeting Child: Will sings "What Child Is
This?" and holds up a child. Chris Kattan is in the bit as
well.
Jimmy flies (hoisted up by wires) at the end of Update.
Tina was wearing a
Mets/Yankees jacket during the Giuliani song.
Hugh Jackman 12-8-01
Will Ferrell commentary as Harry Caray
Derek Jeter 12-1-01
Happy Holidays from Weekend Update
Neil Diamond &
Gay Hitler cameo
Chris Kattan does commentary as an Enron
executive
Will
Ferrell as Harry Caray in heaven.
Billy Bob Thornton 11-17-01
Cut joke- Tina had a joke in which she compared Marilyn Monroe to Pam Anderson
which ended with Tina calling Marilyn Monroe a "fat whore."
Jimmy gets hoisted up by wires and flies around the Update set at the end.
Jeff Richards reviewed Tootsie being released on DVD.
John Goodman 11-4-01
Cut joke- FEY: "On Wall Street, Weight Watchers has announced an initial public offering.
Analysts expect the stock price to drop right away and then just gain it all back over the next year."
*see Bloopers
Drew Barrymore 10-13-01
Cut joke- Jimmy & Tina did the
Michael Jackson gag (appeared in John Goodman) "Touchι Michael/Haha
Michael, I told ya we'd be back!"
Horatio Sanz had commentary as head of the "Department of
Fear," and shook nervously while he spoke. He poured a cup of coffee
and spilled it everywhere from his shaking.
Reese Witherspoon 9-29-01
Cut joke- Tina
did a joke centered around the fact that if you type "NYC" into
Microsoft Word under font Wingdings, you get a plane and two buildings, but if
you type in "SNL," you get [pictured], Chris Kattan.
After joke above, Kattan runs onto the Update
set to announce Corky Romano opens 10/12/01.
Tracy Morgan
commentary on racial profiling (appeared in Seann William Scott) Tina says
the commentary was cut from this show because "the audience was laughing
for the wrong reasons."
2000 - 2001 SNL Season
Renιe Zellweger 4-14-01
Cut joke- FEY: "Sad news in Hollywood this week as actor Steve Buscemi was stabbed in a brawl at a bar. In other sad
Hollywood news David Arquette is doing just fine."
Jerry Minor commentary as Miss Cleo.
Conan O'Brien 3-10-01
Jesse Jackson & Al Sharpton commentary
Tracy Morgan commentary
Rob Lowe 10-7-00
Jimmy reviewed Meet the Parents in the
Movie Minute (appeared in Kate Hudson)
Bill Clinton commentary (appeared in Kate
Hudson)
~
Many thanks to my
oft-dress rehearsal attending-buddies Sam & Bill.