FEY: A lawsuit filed by two New York teenagers alleging that McDonald’s made them fat, was dismissed Wednesday by a Manhattan judge, who said that it was not the
court’s place to protect people from their own bad decisions. The ruling stems from the landmark 1988 case "Hammer v. Pants."
FEY: A Kentucky woman is suing a doctor who she claims branded her uterus with the initials of his alma mater during an operation. My question - how does she know?
FEY: In an experiment sponsored by the fragrance industry, astronauts on the Space Shuttle Columbia extracted essential oils from blooming flowers in hopes of
creating a new scent. The astronauts feel that any scent they create will be an improvement on the current smell of the shuttle - Tang farts.
FEY: ...even though it's Sunday..
FALLON: ...and it's a quarter to five in Los Angeles...
FALLON & FEY:
Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!
FALLON (to Gollum of Lord of the Rings):
We're not hobbits.
FALLON: There's the whistle that signifies Half-Time of the Weekend Update
Half-Time Show.
FEY: Now, ladies and gentlemen, sit back
and enjoy the the Weekend Update
Half-Time Show Half-Time Spectacular!
FALLON: According to a recent Bureau of Justice survey, night is the most dangerous time for law enforcement officers. Second most dangerous time: day.
FALLON: A teenager in Long Island was charged with arson Tuesday after he tried to hide his report card by setting it on fire, and accidentally burned down his house.
It’s bitterly ironic that if his parents had just seen the report card, they would have known that he was stupid enough to burn the house down.
FEY: In a triumph of anorexia, Lara Flynn Boyle is finally thin enough to wear actual Barbie clothes.
SIMON COWELL: Stop, please. That was the worst joke I've ever heard in my life. If that joke were Oxygen and
my mother were suffocating, I would let her die, rather than inhale that joke. I say No to Hollywood.
PAULA ABDUL: You have a great style. You're commitment was great.. I just wasn't feelin it..I'm sorry I say No to Hollywood.
RANDY JACKSON: Dude, dude, dude. That's a straight up fart joke, man. That's the second one tonight. I say No, man.
FEY: That's fine.. I respect that.. I guess I'll just go home.. take care of my children...back
to you, Jimmy.
FALLON: According to new census bureau data, the largest minority group
in the U.S. is now Latinos. And the smallest minority group is once again.. dwarfs. Quick note here.
"Dwarf" is a politically correct term for a kind of little person, not
a slur. "Midget" is a slur. I'd rather say "midget.."
it's funnier, but if you want politically correct, say "dwarf."
I know that sounds silly, but a midget explained it to me once.